This is what I’m working on right now… (an extended summary)

Loki always stops his mischief when he gets pregnant, in order to carry and then raise the baby.

This is great news for the city of New York, where he’d last taken up residence, and has been wreaking non-stop havoc in the two year period since. With Odin out of the picture and no threats to his child’s safety, Loki is a really great mother. It’s still a little upsetting running in to him at the local all-organic grocery store, where you’ll find him haranguing nutritionists about the latest in all-vegan gluten-free raw food diets, or seeing him aggressively attending pre-PTA meetings with his Lamaze class, but on the whole, it looks like everyone’s benefitting from this new development.

Except. Uh.

The baby is a nightmare.

Not a rolly-poly, chubby-cheeked shit machine* like other babies, but a literal nightmare. It looks like something that might have crawled out of H.P. Lovecraft’s worst acid trip. It oozes slime and kills everything it touches, probably has like, seven too many eyes and a whole mass of sticky, misshappen tentacles. It’s terrifying. It has like, a teeny mouth that extends on the end of it’s teeny, horrifying tongue, and like 8917324 razor-sharp teeth.

Loki makes it special bottles that contain precious jewels and a protein supplement and an extra dose of calcium to promote healthy bones mixed with the blood of the innocent (obtained from the Blood Bank, which has a special service to “provide villains with the blood of the innocent so they stop stealing our children” which has been surprisingly successful). All the Avengers, including Thor, have visited at one time or another (never willingly, except for Thor) and are all struck speechless by it’s hideousness. Thor can’t bring himself to say anything, because, well, it’s an UGLY baby but at least Loki seems happy?

Anyways, just picture Loki being happily domestic for almost three years, caring for a festering, soul-scarring abomination.

And then, after it’s second birthday, we discover that the baby isn’t just ugly.

It’s also evil.

Like really, really evil.

Sets things on fire with it’s eyes evil. Attempts to trap nearby children in it’s tentacles to drain their life force evil. Opening a portal to hell in an attempt to unleash a horde of demons on humanity kinds of evil.

Meanwhile, Mama Loki is in the background, proudly clutching his pearls and declaring that his little monsterling is very advanced for his age, isn’t he so smart, yes he is!

Cue avengers trying to curtail the beast while, also, you know, not hurting it at ALL because if the kid gets hurt, they’re going to have a pissed off Mama-Loki on their hands, and they really aren’t sure if that would be any better but there’s a good chance it might be worse.

*this description of babies is a quote from Dexter